Ragnarr Stories: Return of the Djinn

To be honest, I don't know what in the name of Pelor we were doing in the plane of fire. I hadn't even seen Misty this time around. Dogwater just showed up and started writing instructions on the wall. The barkeep wasn't happy about that. I tried to tell him Dogwater was an elemental, so it was pure water and, really, the walls would be cleaner by the time Dogwater was done. The bastard didn't believe me, and made me pay him five silvers for cleaning. Bastard.

I pissed in the corner to give him something real to pay for.

But anyway, so Dogwater had written to me that the Misty Bastard wanted me to go with a few other bastards who owed him favors and provide support. Infinite amounts of space between me and a shitload of Paladins, and what doe he want? For me to go heal bastards. The bastard.

So we go portal hopping for a bit. He seemed a bit bigger. I don't know how long he'd been away in Water Elemental time, but he didn't look worse for it. Seemed quicker, too. Had to run like a bastard just to keep up with him. We came up to what I guessed was the last portal. It was like standing in front of a forge. Not bad to stand there, but walk through? Seemed like a bloody stupid idea.

That's when Dogwater peed on me. Bastard.

It was a good thing, though. Whatever he did, it was chilly. Cold enough that I was fine when we walked into the bloody plane of fire, and met up with the bastards I was supposed to be healing.

And that's how I ended up as the healer for a Crystal Dragon and a pair of giant bloody women made of snow and ice. Not bad looking women, either, though they were a bit large for my taste, if you get my meaning. Fifteen feet tall's a bit over my limit.

Oh, and did I mention the giant bloody pile of steaming ooze? Bloody planar lords. All those times I couldn't figure out what the hell Tupper was doing with a bunch of paladins, but at least he was kind of the same general shape.

At least none of the other bastards seemed happy to be here, either. I mean, Dogwater seemed as cheerful as he always did, but that's what makes him annoying as a bastard.

So on we went, the women bitching about the heat and about how their mascara and their faces were running, the dragon roaring, and that damn blob of mucus burbling in a way that seemed put out.

That was about when we got ambushed. What we might have got ambushed by... Pelor, I don't know. We were in the plane of fire. There was fire. Then there was more fire. Maybe some eyes.

I started healing as fast as I could, but I knew it wasn't going to be enough. I screamed something towards Pelor. Not a prayer, exactly. More of a long stream of cursing.

And the attack stopped. I realized I had heard someone yell "Stop" in a way that sounded commanding, so that might have something to do with it.

Somebody came out of the mob of fire bastards. A bastard I recognized. Apparently a bastard who recognized me, too.

"How is that other dwarf, anyway," he asked. "I owe him. A couple of times."

I told him I hadn't seen Flam. It seemed to make him truly sad.

"Well," he said. "I suppose one dwarf is as good as another, right? Since your people have done me so many favors, I will let you go."

We talked for a while about that. Apparently he really had just been ecstatic to be home. He'd seen his wife, spent time with his kids, made a few more kids. Had a great time of it, really. But there was a trick, the bastard. He was willing to let me go. Not the rest of the bastards with me.

Which, to be fair, they were a weird bunch. And that genie bastard considered them to be a fair price for the Misty Bastard invading the plane of fire. But they were all there for the same reason I was. They all fell into debt with the Misty Bastard. They hadn't really signed up to die.

So... I might have cheated a wee bit. I mean, I only cast the one spell to take me back to the Plane of Mist. How was I to help it if the others happened to be touching me when I went? I mean, just because I shouted "Hold on to me" as the spell went off. Could have happened to anyone, right?

But the planes are a funny place. You save someone's life, and they consider themselves to owe you a favor. Or at least they figure they should ask a little less of you when you need something. So they all offered that, if I ever really needed help, they could give me a hand.

Except Dogwater. He just tried to hump my leg, which mostly just made it wet. Then took me back to Misty, who just said "Good work" and sent me back to my bar.