Ragnarr and Dogwater's Planar Adventures: The Game

I don't remember when Dogwater showed up on his own the first time. I remember sitting in the bar, trying to enjoy a beer over all the damn drunken dwarven bastard singing that "Hi Ho" song at the top of their lungs. Or maybe the tops of their heads. Louder than their lungs can handle, is what I'm getting at, and there was an arseload of unconscious dwarves to prove it.

But anyway, I'm minding my own business, when Dogwater walks in the front door. I'm serious. No, I wasn't drunk enough to hallucinate. The little bastard knew better than to open a portal in the wrong part of Sigil, but he could get his teeth around a door and open it like nothing. Especially this time. I remember he seemed bigger than before.

So of course I down my beer and order another for the road, figuring that I was off on some damn quest or another. But it didn't quite happen like that. Dogwater just jumped up onto the bench next to me (nearly broke the damn thing, I think. That little bastard is heavy.) and dropped an icicle next to me.

I thought maybe he was trying to be nice, but was a wee bit misguided, being a dog and all. So I tried to explain that if I iced my beer, the singing bastards would think I was wearing a fake beard, if you get my meaning, and I wasn't about to have them pulling on the damn thing.

He just picked up the icicle between his teeth, shook it back and forth, and set it back down.

Well, I may not be the best with animals, but I figured he wanted to play fetch. So I picked up the icicle and threw it across the room.

I hadn't really noticed that the bar had gone quiet, and that Dogwater seemed to be getting more than a few stares. But I sure as Hel (no offense, Hel) noticed that when I threw that icicle, every bastard who could fit behind a bar, under a table, or around a post was there in a hurry.

Dogwater leaped off of my bench and landed on a table across the room, breaking the thing in half. (Which sounds more impressive than it is. There'd been so damn many brawls in that bar that Gunter figured out how to build tables that practically broke themselves. They were cheaper to fix that way.) He leaped over onto that icicle, grabbed it in his teeth, and leaped back to me.

Gunter didn't look too happy with me after that. The table was fine, but Dogwater had left a wet spot across half the bar, and it wasn't going to be me cleaning it up. I grabbed the icicle and took Dogwater outside.

And from there we were off. I managed to throw the icicle about twice before Dogwater decided he was bored with the street, grabbed me by me codpiece, and dragged me through the city. He didn't stop until we'd gotten to the nearest portal park.

Dogwater dropped the bone next to me and ran over to the nearest portal and stood there drooling. And I don't mean drooling like your normal dog. Your normal dog, you look at him drooling and you think "he couldn't possibly be drooling that much. Where is it coming from?" But Dogwater's bloody made of drool. I was afraid there'd be a lake before he was done.

So I looked at the portal, figured it went to the astral plane, and tossed the icicle through.

Dogwater went right in after it. He was back before I could take a sip of my road beer. The bastard.

I picked another portal. It went to Arcadia. Figured that wouldn't be too dangerous for him.

Ten seconds. If that. The little bastard was fast.

Well, I didn't really want to wear out my arm, and I really wanted to have a drink of the damn beer. So I found a variable portal, waited until right before it was ready to switch, and tossed the icicle through.

Admittedly, I might have forgotten to check where that portal went. Which might have been nice of me. But eh, at that point I figured Dogwater could find it.

And he did. He stood next to the portal for a second, sniffing. Then he turned, sniffed the other portals around, and jumped through one that went to bloody Pandemonium.

I didn't want to get him killed. He was an irritating little bastard, sure, but he wasn't that bad. And I'd just sent him to Pandemonium.

I finished my beer in silence, feeling like a right bastard.

The little bastard waited just long enough for me to think he was gone for good. Just enough time to finish my beer and decide I should go talk to Gunter about what I owed him for damages. Just enough time for me to see a portal from the Nine Hells opening, and decide that I should get out of there before some giant, pissed off demon came through and thought I looked delicious and the laws of Sigil be damned.

Demon my arse. It was Dogwater, barely looking steamed, with a melting icicle in his mouth, looking as happy as could be. Wagging his tail all over the damn place, spraying water. Looked like he'd spent the best day in the park he'd ever had.

Well, what could I do? I bought him a beer. I figured the little bastard was mostly made of the same stuff as the beer, anyway, so what could go wrong?

By Pelor's beard, was I wrong about that one.

Have you ever seen a water elemental vomit?