Pirates

For all that I've traveled the planes, talked to odd folks, seen places where lads do things entirely different from what I would think is is the right way to do things, I haven't ever made it to anyone else's prime material plane. So I'll admit here that I can't speak from exact experience, but there are some things that just baffle me. For instance, I have to wonder: what the hell do pirates do in wherever Crunch is from?

See, everywhere I've been, most of the bastards I've known have, at the very least, a basic understanding of what it means to be a pirate. These are bastards who take up a profession that calls for more raping, pillaging, drinking and sodomy than my ex-wife's lawyers. The best of them is out for themselves, and can cause all manner of trouble for innocent folks just trying to get from place to place, double if they happen to be women, and I don't care what the damned cheap woodcut books might say otherwise. These are lads more prone to causing torture and rape, not heaving bosoms and throbbing manhoods and all that other rubbish in those damned books my ex-wife likes.

Not to put too fine a point on it, they're more likely to kill an innocent bastard than fight for good, and the only way they could be described as strong-willed is in how much rum they can hold before they pass out. In that, aye, they're good lads, and good to have at a party. But I wouldn't hold that up as a great measure of their character. They'll not only drink all your rum, but they'll steal the good stuff, soil your holy symbols and do things to your wife that she'll bring up every damn time you ever have a fight for at least the next fifteen years. If Pelor had wanted dwarves to perform such disgusting acts, he would have made us taller.

But Crunch's pirates must be different somehow. Perhaps where he's from, pirates are a kind of singer/dancer, better at spitting out witty verse than skewering bastards with swords. Or perhaps they're some sort of simpering, eye-make-up wearing men who act like women, or a great, cheery bunch of bastards who spend their time standing up to evil hordes of ninjas.

I don't bloody know. All I know is that, apparently, pirates are the sort of people we should not only leave alone, but give them tips about improving their enormous fortress of death, so that they can more easily rape and pillage their way through the sea and cut the boats out from under unsuspecting dwarves who have somehow been convinced that it's a good idea to go out on the ocean.

I mean, we're dealing with pirates here, by Pelor's beard. Pirates.

You'd think he was trying to defend a fortress of frolicking kittens.