Magical Girl Nigori: Everybody Must get Stoned (Golem)

Dear Ms. Diary,

Well, I'm happy to say that my attempts to be nice to Tupper are paying off nicely.

Sure, he doesn't realize it. He keeps complaining that I shouldn't turn him into stuff, like being useless old Tupper is such a great thing, but I suppose there's not a lot I can do to make him less dumb, anyway, at least not right now, so I'll just have to work on that later. But anyway, at least I know I'm not the only one trying to help him get better, since my other guards are totally trying to help too, and they say there's a god who's trying to help him out, too, so I think I'm going to pray to Deep Sashey and see if he'd mind if I helped out another god a little bit. Because he can't say no to a god, right?

So, anyway, Tupper got stuck behind this big metal thing. He was doing a really good job of setting off all the traps for us, like he does, but then the portcullis fell, and he got all stuck. So no big deal, right? I mean, I can turn him into a rat or something, and he can run right back through, and we'll all be together. But no!!! He has to go and be a stupid head, and get all complainy about how he doesn't want to be "turned into things" and how we should "find a better plan." A better plan would have been to let him starve. Ooh, or just let him stay underwater with the poison that makes him not breathe air, but NO, stupid Mystera has to go and cure him. And I thought she was my friend. But this was our chance, right? We could just, you know, not really kill Tuptup, just let him sit in there for a while until he got real hungry, and then he'd have to apologize for being such a stupid head.

But then he had to go and be stupid and get clubbed over the head and dragged off, probably by some stupid invisible amazon cave woman or something, so we all had to go rescue him, which we could only do because OH YEAH, I can turn people into things. And they're not all stupid about it, so we could go rescue him instead of standing around and complaining, like, all day instead of just admitting that he's stupid and doing something else.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. So we went in, and some invisible guy tried to stab me, ME, a princess! and everyone knows that you don't stab a princess unless she's at least, like, third in line for the throne, and if I'm going to get stabbed by invisible assassins anyway, what do I have all these stupid brothers for? I mean, seriously, couldn't they have stabbed, like, Ledrahalis or something? I mean, what do we need a stupid Minister of Kelp for, anyway? I mean, I know it's mean, and I'm his sister and all, but they could stab him in the face and it wouldn't exactly make things worse, you know?

So then the assassin guy got away, which I supposed I should have expected, making Tupper my bodyguard and all, which he says he doesn't want to do, but I'm cute. He wants to. But since he won't let me turn him into anything useful, the assassin totally got away, which is lame. And he left behind his friend the stone golem, who was super mean, and wouldn't die when I killed it with fire or anything, and everybody knows that when a magical princess shoots you with fire, the nice thing to do is be dead. But he just kept trying to smash Azan, who's nice and stuff, so I had to heal him a bunch. And I kind of think I could have killed him, because I found this scroll and stuff, but I think I would have probably killed some people's magic swords and stuff, and you know how boys are about their magic swords. I mean, like, seriously, you don't ever want to call it a short sword, you know? You should just be like "Yeah, dear, your magic sword's totally a two hander," or at least that's why my mom says. And Tuptup tried to fight the thing, and his is long and needle-like and just couldn't penetrate far enough, but at least he tried to stick it in something. I wasn't even sure he knew what it was for.

So, yeah. Intervention: totally worked. Now we just need to teach Tupper something besides "pointy end goes this way," and he might almost be useful!

Anyway, I think the paladins are mad at me, because I've been talking to you, and that bard is getting kind of annoying with her "watch the door, Nigori," and "help search the room, Nigori," and "Do something useful for a change, Nigori." I mean, jeez, can't she see I'm busy? I've got princess things to do.

You are my most loyal subject, Ms. Diary. I'll talk to you real soon.